I laid on my side of the bed with my back turned to him and with actual smoke coming from my ears.
I had a list of things that I felt that my husband was not doing right, had forgotten, had changed about himself, as well as detailed scenarios of all the instances where he had hurt my feelings or made me feel unimportant.
I told myself that if he so much as said goodnight to me, I was going to let him have it.
The next sound I heard was him snoring. He was sound asleep! Which made me even more upset!
I was spiraling to an ugly place. And it was all my fault.
That’s right, mine, not his.
Let me explain.
I plan to be very transparent in explaining this because I believe that grasping what God taught me in my marriage will help you in yours.
Anyone who knows my husband knows that he is very consistent. He says what he will do and does what he says. He loves my daughter and I, and is able to assure us in this. Being open may not be his cup of tea, but he is never closed off to the idea of it. Because of this, we can always communicate and work things out. These are just three of the many ways that I can describe him, but they are a few of the most important things that I appreciate about him.
I reached that place that I described in the beginning of this blog because things seemed to begin to change for us. Our communication stopped being productive, our intimacy seemed to be fading and it became hard for me to know where his head was at most of the time. Since these things had altered in our relationship, small situations and misunderstandings rocked me. If he did not give me the attention that I was used to, I began to feel like I was not a priority to him. If he was closed off when I tried to communicate with him, it felt like he did not care anymore. If he did not help with our daughter, I felt that he was trying to put more on my plate. Basically, if he did not do what I wanted or expected of him to do, even if it was something that he normally does, I translated it as though his feelings were changing about me.
I also decided that it was not fair.
I felt justified in the fact that I give and give and give all day, every day and decided that I was not wrong to expect a certain response in my marriage.
Ya’ll, I'm not even going to explain anymore. This way of thinking is so selfish.
I call it , “The mindset of an American marriage”.
I call it this because, similar to how we were born into this world and have to now be renewed to think and live like Christ after being saved by Him, we also have an American or a fantasy way of looking at marriage and we must be renewed to think and live out our marriage like Christ designed.
How did Christ design marriage?
Do you know that God designed marriage for His glory?
Marriage is a holy union created to yield a certain result.
However, the way that we handle and operate in marriage in our society dilutes the potency of the blessing of marriage.
The union between a man and a woman was designed to mirror the union between Christ and His bride, the church. The love that we are to display in marriage should mirror the love that Christ has for us. His love is patient, His love is self-sacrificing, His love is long-suffering, His love does not demand its way, His love forgives over and over, His love is unconditional, His love is set and sure and does not waver due to emotion or circumstance.
We are to strive to love our spouse like this everyday, even when it is not reciprocated because that is TRUE love.
Answer these:
Are you patient with your spouse?
Do you sacrifice yourself, your needs, and wants for your spouse?
Are you in it for the long haul with your spouse? Or will you give up when you are unhappy?
Do you demand your own way in your marriage?
Are you quick to forgive your spouse repeatedly?
Does your love have conditions?
Does your love and commitment waver when you feel some type of way or when something upsetting occurs?
If some or all of your answers to these questions fall short, congratulations. You are a human. But the Lord desires to grow you and mature you in love.
I am not saying that you do not have the right to be upset or frustrated in your marriage. And I agree that if you and your spouse are at odds, it can be the most hurtful and painful experience ever.
What I am saying is that there is room for growth and maturity in you and your spouse individually at all times and we must have the correct perspective of marriage in order to operate in it correctly.
The Lord desired to mature me in the way that I love and see my husband. He also desired to make me stronger as a wife. So He showed me this revelation.
I realized that the moment that I felt under-valued or unloved in my marriage is when I was presented with the idea of resorting to my own methods of looking out for and protecting myself. I know that this thought came from the enemy because this way of thinking does not line up with the example that Jesus shows us about love.
On the contrary, when you try to protect yourself from your spouse, you are entering a point of separation. I suppose that hearing the phrase, “ a point of separation”, can make you immediately think about divorce or separation, but I assure you the point of separation in a marriage occurs way before it is time for separation or divorce. The point of separation is the moment that one or both partners hardens their heart toward each other. The moment that you decide to not be open, to close yourself off, to cover yourself, to protect or save yourself, to not be 100 percent vulnerable with your spouse is the moment that you begin to cut ties with your spouse.
As I lay in bed that night after my husband fell asleep on me, taking away my window to tell him off, the Holy Spirit led me to meet with Him.
In my anger, I fled to the living room to vent to Him. Well, actually I went to the living room because I was going to sleep on the couch AFTER I was done venting.
My venting turned into prayer.
I began telling God how hurt and frustrated I was, I explained to Him in detail what was bothering me in my marriage and how I felt as a result of those things. After this I began to ask God to help my husband to notice me. I asked Him to restore the love and joy in our marriage and to fix all the stuff that my husband was doing incorrectly.
My prayer turned into clarity and understanding
As I prayed for these things, I immediately received this perspective:
I was focusing on myself too much. I unknowingly placed my husband on team A and placed myself on team B against each other when we were supposed to be on team G (team Giles) together opposing whatever came our way.
As a wife, if I see behaviors in my husband that are contrary to who I know he is, instead of being offended, I must cover him. I must pray and even fast for him when necessary.
I must put myself and my feelings to the side for the sake of my husband and the health of our marriage and trust that the God who has always supplied what I needed will meet even my marital needs when and how He sees fit.
This led to conviction, and that conviction led to repentance.
Needless to say, the Lord convicted me about attempting to sleep away from my husband in efforts to disconnect from him. I had to lay my pride and entitlement at His feet and find my way back to my bed.
Yes it is unfortunate and even unfair that I had to experience the feelings that I was feeling. But, what about my husband? What is he facing that he may not even understand? What thoughts are flooding his mind daily? What strategic ways is the enemy seeking to attack him. What experiences does he have when he leaves the house everyday? What kind of work is God doing in Him right now?
If marriage is supposed to mirror the love that Christ has for the church, we must become accustomed to sacrificing ourselves for our spouse. We must sacrifice feeling happy, we must sacrifice having your way, we must sacrifice what is fair and unfair in efforts to love and serve our spouse. THIS is what we said yes to. THIS is why we take serious vows before God and men. THIS is the nature of true love. Whether you get it back or not… you vowed to love. You promised.
I repented to God and am continuing the process of renewing my mind from that way of thinking.
So, with a different heart and a different approach, I was able to have a productive conversation with my husband that led me to understand that He is learning to balance the weight of his job and family and that He is going through his own processes with God. He was able to explain that his work required him to be social all day and since he has a naturally introverted personality, he would be drained and unable to connect once he came home to me. He shared that he is adjusting and didn’t notice how his internal adjustments were coming off on the outside. Because of how God shifted my heart, I was able to understand and accept this and in turn begin to pray for him strategically and specifically. This conversation even led us to a conversation where I was able to share with him the things that hurt me in our relationship without being accusatory or bitter. He was also able to understand and adjust to what I had shared.
Whatever the outcome, I want to encourage you that God sees you and He cares. He cares deeply about what you are feeling and experiencing. He also knows. He knows where you need to grow and mature and knows the kind of pressure that you need to get to that point. He has carefully thought out plans for you and they involved growth, restoration, understanding, and freedom. Let this mindset take root in you, choose to love fearlessly and aggressively. Withholding nothing.
If this topic hits home for you, your flesh is NOT going to like it. But I encourage you to wrestle with yourself until this perspective and mindset takes root in your heart. You will need the strength of God, so pray and ask for His help. This change and growth did not happen for me overnight. I wrestled with it until I was able to submit to it and honestly, I am still learning to apply it and fully grasp it. But I asked for wisdom and strength because I love my husband and I love Christ and I want to honor them both in everything that I do.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
With Love,
Hannah Giles
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Something crazy that I realized is that, while Cameron and I were courting we made a YouTube video about this very topic. God gave us wisdom about it before our years and reminded me about it to apply in marriage. He is so good! Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzXLqNoSzns&t=178s
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